Jul 122021
 

The Boss(hole) by Penelope Bloom

There are a few things you absolutely don’t do in Adrian Terranova’s world.

You don’t question him. You don’t challenge him. You don’t call him by his first name.
You definitely don’t contradict him in front of his entire staff.

Unless you’re me, apparently.

I’d love to say I stood up to the bosshole from hell and walked away unscathed,

but that’d be a lie.

First he got me fired from the job I couldn’t afford to lose. Then he made sure the only position in the city I could get was working as his personal assistant.

He runs his office with iron buns and icy glares. Every day is cloudy with a chance of grumpy. Every moment is a test he expects me to fail, but I’ll happily disappoint him.

They say he’s impossible to please? That he never smiles? Well, I don’t run from challenges. I run into them. And then I make them attend office glitter parties with hot dogs.

Sometimes I also get scared on company flights and crash face first in my boss’ lap during turbulence. Or there was the time I wound up half-naked in his hotel room… But I know one thing for certain. No matter how many times I have to look at his obnoxiously attractive, insufferably arrogant rear end, I won’t break. I won’t even bend.

Adrian: I won’t break her, but she’s absolutely going to bend. Over my desk, I think. Or maybe the couch in reception?

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Apr 202021
 

I Bite She Sucks by Penelope Bloom

I threw a paper airplane love note from my window.
First mistake.
I aimed it at a gorgeous stranger and put my address on it.
Second mistake.
Yep. You guessed it. I missed and hit a werewolf instead.
Best thing that ever happened to me?

Next thing I knew, a large angrily attractive werewolf man was trying to get in my apartment. I introduced him to my baseball bat and figured that was the end of things.

Or not.

Because my well-meaning sister became a vampire to cure my immune disorder. Long story. In the process, she got a deadly team of fang bangers to hunt us for breaking their rules. Longer story. A+ for good intentions and a D- for execution, if you ask me.

Re-enter Mr. Grumpy and Growly werewolf. He’s going to be my bodyguard slash kidnapper, whether I like it or not. Apparently, he’s the only thing standing between me and certain death. Swoon, right?

Of course he hates all things vampire. A.K.A. he will take me from undead to dead-dead if he figures out what I’m becoming.

Thankfully, he has completely underestimated my ability to woo him with my adorable innocence, cheery disposition, and extreme powers of modesty.

As long as the feelings stay one-sided, I’ll be fine. Because giving your heart to a guy who is probably going to try to murder you is a recipe for disaster. And come on. When was the last time I made a catastrophic, life-threatening mistake?

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Jan 102021
 

Kiss Kiss Fang Fang by Penelope Bloom

I don’t usually fang and tell, but she earned an exception.
The hapless woman who accidentally released me.
The one who nearly got herself killed mere hours later.
So I saved her, but my help came with a price.

The only way to save her life was to bond her–to link us so powerfully we’d have to spend every waking hour together for the next few weeks.

I was ready for the bond, but I wasn’t ready for her.

Her impossible to crush perky outlook. Her big eyes that never seem to dim, no matter how far into my blackened soul they saw.

I thought I’d lost the ability to care centuries ago, but it appears I was wrong.

The insufferable woman won’t rest until she’s forced me to do the unthinkable. To… enjoy her company.

It’s ridiculous, but all I need to do is outlast the bond.

To outlast my growing fear that I’m not as numb as I thought.

I’m in danger of feeling something for this human that I can’t afford to feel. Because the only thing more dangerous for her than my enemies is if I can’t let her go.

Author’s Note: Get sucked into this high stakes, fang-fest of paranormal, romantic comedy fun with an out-of-his-element vampire grump and the upbeat woman who refuses to let things go according to plan.

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Nov 152020
 

My (Mostly) Temporary Nanny by Penelope Bloom

I will not think inappropriate thoughts about the nanny.

She’s just temporary. A momentary blip in my life.
Although I have to admit she’s quite attractive, as far as blips go.
She’s also the first person my son has ever actually liked, which has to count for something.

New plan: I will not… let myself get too attached to the nanny.

I’ve always been the kind of man to keep my plans flexible. Adaptation is key. Just like I’ve had to adapt to having a beautiful woman waiting for me when I get home every night.

Temporarily, of course.

My son deserves better than temporary. And I won’t dangle the prospect of a happy, complete family in front of him when I know the relationship wouldn’t last.

Because beneath the innocent, big doe eyes and the charming awkwardness, the nanny would turn out like the rest. She’d find some reason to leave. They all did.

So I’ll make one final amendment to the plan. Yes, I may think inappropriate thoughts about the nanny. I may get attached to the nanny. But I will not fall for the nanny.

And if I do, I will deny it until my cold, dead heart freezes over.

Author’s Note: Get out your safety goggles because this fiery nanny and swoon-worthy single dad are about to collide and the reaction is going to be explosive.

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Oct 122020
 

My (Mostly) Fake Wedding (My (Mostly) Funny Romance Series Book 2) by Penelope Bloom

The first rule about a casual hookup is to have an exit plan.
No strings. No attachments. Get in, get out—euphemism intended.
The lesser known second rule?
Make sure your casual hookup isn’t about to become your wedding planner.
Yeah. Long story.

The wedding was going to be a fake. The only catch was nobody could know. Not even my wedding planner.

Now the wedding planner thinks I’m the world’s biggest bastard. She thinks I’m in love with the woman I’m supposed to marry. She thinks a lot of things, but she doesn’t know the truth.

She’s got no idea she’s going to fall for me by the time this thing is over.

She’s got no idea our little hookup wasn’t meaningless. Not to me, at least.

And worst? She thinks she’s safe around me. She thinks I’m off the market, that there can’t be a repeat because there’s someone else.

There’s nobody else. Just her. And ever since the first taste, I knew she was all there’d ever be.

Author’s Note: Don’t run away from the ultimate playboy. He’s ready to fake marry you so hard . She’s sweet and sassy, he’s over the top in everything. They’re a match made in fake marriage history.

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Jul 112020
 

My (Mostly) Secret Baby by Penelope Bloom

You know that instinct to run when something bad is coming?
Yeah. I apparently missed out on that one.
Because Damon Rose came, and instead of running, I got pregnant.

Damon

Yes. I remember Chelsea Cross.

I remember five years ago when she thought she could handle me.

Proving her wrong was… enjoyable.

With hair I wanted to fist. A mouth that only stopped when I kissed it. A body that I needed to press against the nearest wall and claim.

And now she wants a job.
A smart man would say “no”.
Or, I could teach her the same lesson I taught her five years ago.

She can’t even begin to handle me.

Author’s Note: Buckle up for the ultimate bosshole in this steamy, workplace romantic comedy with a sassy heroine and a stubborn grump who wants to ruin her day.

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Apr 252020
 

Broken Love (Ash and Innocence Book 3) by Penelope Bloom

To them, she was royalty.
Pampered.
Raised to be pure and perfect.
Beautiful enough to bring potential suitors from across the globe.

But the moment Victoria Torros entered my world, none of that mattered.

I saw her for what she really was. A fake.

Spoiled.

Masquerading as a virginal bride when her mind was as filthy as her curves.
I didn’t want to marry her. I didn’t even want to love her. All I needed was to move her on my chessboard. Then I’d take a fistful of her hair and show her what I thought of her pedigree. I’d ruin her for other men before eventually cutting her loose, and I’d enjoy every moment of corrupting the jewel of the Torros family.

She’d be my queen. Valuable and powerful, but just another piece I’d happily sacrifice to get what I really wanted: revenge.

Because she just walked into a minefield of lying, cheating, conniving bastards. And here, I’m king.

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 25 April 2020  Posted by  Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »
Apr 192020
 

Savage Love (Ash and Innocence Book 2) by Penelope Bloom

Charli
The dark god of Parker High used to be my childhood friend. But that was before. Before the fire. Before people got hurt. Before I left and came back.
Cassian practically drips with danger. He’s a shadow made flesh—all beautiful, hard lines and heat. When I left, he was as poor as me. Now his family has enough money to buy the whole town.
None of that is enough for him. He still wants me to pay, and humiliating me isn’t enough. He wants me to suffer.
But if he thinks I’m going to roll over and accept the blame for what happened, he’s wrong.
I may be scarred. I may be more than a little broken. But all that means is I’m ready for him to bring his worst.

Cassian
If destruction is an art, then I’m Michelangelo.
And Charli’s going to be my masterpiece.
Her heart is going to be my plaything.
Maybe I’ll bruise it.
Maybe I’ll break it.
Hell, if she’s lucky, I might even take it for myself.

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 19 April 2020  Posted by  Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »
Apr 072020
 

After His Banana is a follow up to My Banana, book one in the Objects of Attraction series by Penelope Bloom.

What comes after His Banana?
Technically, that would be me.
Before you assume I’m a potassium sucking harlot,
Let me explain…

I didn’t have time for relationships, especially not with someone like Miles Chamberson. But considering my circumstances, I didn’t really have a choice.

Yes, he was the kind of offspring only generations of exceptionally attractive people could create. Practically dripping with so much perfection you could choke on it.

Then again, I was almost certain he was certifiably insane.

Within a few minutes of meeting him, he was already posing as a nude model for my clay sculpture class in a failed attempt to expose himself to me.

So when he handed me a banana, it was almost normal by comparison.

And after his banana found its way into my mouth, well… I wish I could say that was where the saga of Miles Chamberson and I ended.

Miles

I prefer to start every potential relationship with an oddly phallic, edible object.

Why, you ask? It’s simple.

Watch any woman with a suggestive object and prepare to unlock the secrets of the female psyche.

Does she favor it with a secretive little smile? Nymphomaniac. Does she flinch back, only to guiltily grab it a moment later? Cautious, but wild once she opens up. Does she throw it back at your head and score a direct hit, concussing you for two weeks? Softball player.

Or, does she pick it up and devour it, inch by inch? Does she slide that bad boy into the hatch and relish every moment of it? If she does, you have yourself a keeper.

The recipient of my latest banana was the latter, but there was one glaring problem.

Commitment and I had a troubled past. And now my old man, Bruce Chamberson, says there’s only one way I’ll earn my rightful spot in the family business. I’ve got to show him I can stick with something “for once”.

Lucky for me, I’ve got just the girl in mind.

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 7 April 2020  Posted by  Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »
Feb 112020
 

Ruthless Love by Penelope Bloom

I’m the girl nobody sees.

That is, until I move next door to Parker High’s most eligible bastard, Tristan Blackwood.

He’s gorgeous. Eyes as cold as moonlight. Lips made for cruel kisses. The entire town knows it, too. Apparently being able to throw a football elevates you to god status around here.

He could have anything he wanted. Anyone.

But somehow, all he wanted was to torment me.

Me, trapped in my mom’s protective bubble: homeschooled and invisible, stuck in a wheelchair and saddled with more medical issues than I could count. Normal? I might as well wish to be a fairytale princess.

There aren’t any princesses or knights in my fairytale. Just the dark prince who lives next door. Parker High royalty in the flesh. My very own devil in a letterman jacket.

His life should be a dream, but the only thing he cares about is becoming my nightmare.

And when my pride isn’t enough for him, he decides he wants my body.

He wants my heart.

He wants every last inch of me to himself.

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 11 February 2020  Posted by  Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »
Dec 132019
 

The Golden Pecker by Penelope Bloom

First impression of Landon Collins?
Questionable. Highly questionable.
He needed to take me to see “The Golden Pecker”.
Fortunately, it was in the basement, not his pants.
Turns out my late grandfather was running a BDSM club.

I know what you’re thinking. Don’t follow a stranger into the basement. More importantly, absolutely don’t follow strangers who want to show you their “golden peckers.”

But I might have literally died of curiosity if I passed this up.

Sure, there was a chance of murder, abduction, and all sorts of horror. Then again, living with the endless questions would be its own special kind of hell. What kind of self-respecting man calls it a pecker? And what did all of this have to do with my late grandfather’s will?

The other problem was I couldn’t be sure if Landon Collins was plotting my murder, or if he just had resting hot guy face — broody eyes, a sharp jaw, and full lips made for cruel smiles.

Was I ignoring a few dozen red flags? Absolutely. But last time I checked, curiosity was only notorious for killing cats.

So I followed his firm ass straight to The Golden Pecker.

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 13 December 2019  Posted by  Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Dec 102019
 

Anyone But Nick (Anyone But… #3) by Penelope Bloom

The third novel in USA Today bestselling author Penelope Bloom’s Anyone But… series sizzles with a sexy and hilarious story about letting go of the past to chase the love of a lifetime.

Seven years ago, I swore I’d never date Nick King. Ever.

Now I’m supposed to work under him—and no, despite the way he glares like he wants to strip me bare, I mean he’ll be my boss. But what better way to prove I’m really over him, right?

I was a nerdy overachiever in high school, and Nick was my hopeless crush. I even laminated a note he passed to me; granted, I had a thing for laminators, but that’s beside the point.

Now, my only shot at getting my life back on track is to crawl to him on my knees and pray I nail the interview. Maybe I should pray that’s the only thing that gets nailed in his office—especially since he looks like he wants to devour me.

Nick broke my heart once. But hey, I’m still pretty handy with a laminator. Maybe I could run my heart through one before I take this job.

Anyone But Rich

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Anyone But Cade

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Anyone But Nick

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 10 December 2019  Posted by  Tagged with: , ,  No Responses »
Aug 292019
 

Anyone But Rich (Anyone But… #1) by Penelope Bloom

From USA Today bestselling author Penelope Bloom comes the first novel in the romantic, sexy, and hilarious Anyone But… series.

Seven years ago, my best friends and I made a promise: No matter what, we would never date one of the King brothers. Even if they grew up to become megafamous, gorgeous, heart-stopping billionaires. Even if they crawled on their knees and begged for forgiveness.

But guess who just flew back into our lives in a private jet? And guess who just showed up to my job on my first day? Richard. King. Fortunately, it takes two seconds for Richard to reveal he hasn’t changed. Conceited. Cocky. Rude. Unfortunately, he’s also the kind of gorgeous that’s borderline offensive—with a jawline to make statues self-conscious and a grin that short-circuits my brain.

He’s spent years taking what he wants. I doubt he’s hungry for anything else—except me, apparently. There’s no way I’ll let him maneuver his way back into my life. My friends would never forgive me. I would never forgive me. But did I mention his jawline?

Excerpt Anyone But Rich (Anyone But… #1) by Penelope Bloom

Principal Lockett.

He was shorter than most of the freshmen, but the shiny patch of bald skin on his crown and the drooping bags under his eyes meant there was no mistaking him for a student. “Just wanted to say good luck on your first day, Kira.”

“Thank you,” I said. I hoped my smile looked genuine. I’d expected to need to try very hard to make a good impression on my new boss, but from the first day of preplanning two weeks ago, it seemed like he was the one sucking up. It wasn’t the first time being the mayor’s daughter had given me some unwanted advantage. No matter how much I protested, some people in West Valley were dead set on the idea that getting in my good graces was the same as getting in my father’s good graces. Unfortunately, my objections went unnoticed, and people had never been quick to believe that favoritism wasn’t something I secretly encouraged.

So I did what I always did. I pretended I still needed to bust my ass to make a good impression. I refused to sit back and let my father be an easy pass, and I hoped for the best.

“Is everything okay?” I asked when he was still standing there with a smile plastered on his face. From the corner of my eye, I saw students start pouring into my room from the back door.

“There is just one thing. A slight hiccup, really. Nothing that you would need to worry your father about,” he said. “There’s a very influential businessman in town. He got on the phone with the right people a few minutes ago, made some very interesting promises, and . . . well . . .”

“Well, what?” My eyes were darting between Principal Lockett and my rapidly filling classroom.

“He’s apparently an old friend of yours. Said he’d like to be able to stop by today and say hello. He promised it would be quick.”

“It’s my first day,” I said slowly, hoping I wouldn’t need to explain any further.

“And you’ll do great!” Principal Lockett seemed to sense my inevitable eruption, so he ducked back into the hallway and flashed me a quick thumbs-up before the door snicked closed.

I turned my eyes toward my students and made a weak attempt to mentally rally. I can do this. They’re just children in bodies that have grown faster than their brains. They aren’t as mature as they look.

“Do you see how red her face is?” whispered a girl in the front row. I wasn’t sure if it was intentional, but I was pretty sure I would’ve been able to make out every word of the “whisper” from the parking lot.

The boy beside her smiled cruelly. “Maybe she’s PMSing.”

The girl frowned at him and slapped his arm. “That’s not how it works, you idiot.”

“What do you mean? There’s all the blood issues. Some of it must end up in their heads.”

The girl rolled her eyes, crossed her arms, and gave up on him.

I cleared my throat. “I’m Miss Summerland.” I paused, swallowed, and willed my windpipe to grow a little bigger. “This is—”

The bell signaling the start of first period rang deafeningly, cutting me off and making me realize I was already showing what a rookie I was.

I cleared my throat again. “This is—”

The announcements began, instructing the students to stand for the Pledge and the anthem.

I turned my back to face the flag and pretended I didn’t hear the snickering students behind me. I also pretended I didn’t remember being a high schooler not so long ago, and how quickly I would’ve decided a teacher like me was the kind students were going to eat for breakfast.

A few minutes later, the announcements ended, and I finally turned to face the students again. “Okay. This is—”

The door to my room opened. I spun, hands balled into fists. All the frustration of the last few minutes boiled over into an embarrassingly squeaky outburst. “I would love to finish my sentence!”

And that was when I saw my visitor.

Richard King.

Distantly, I heard the excited whispers of every girl in my classroom.

“Is that him?”

“Oh my God, is my hair okay?”

“This is going on my Snapchat!”

Their voices faded into background noise as I looked at him in person for the first time in so many years.

“Please,” he said. His voice was so deep and rich I could feel it rumble through my chest. “Finish your sentence. I’ll wait.”

He knew damn well there was no way I could think about anything else with him standing there. The corner of his mouth had twitched up into the suggestion of a smirk, and his eyes were locked predatorily on me. He knew exactly what was happening to me, and he was enjoying it.

I tried to picture a normal human being in his place. I tried and failed to unsee the broad, powerful shoulders and long legs, to unmake every cruel and perfect line of his face, from the sharp jaw to the dark eyebrows and burning green eyes. His nearly black hair was cut short and neat. He wore a suit that would’ve made most men look overdressed, but he seemed perfectly at ease. Here I was with my legs spread out like I was trying not to step in a puddle, pretending I was in control. Meanwhile, Rich’s pinkie toe projected more confidence than my entire body.

I wanted him and his obnoxiously cocky pinkie toe out of my classroom and out of my life. I was perfectly happy seeing him in a dirty dream every few weeks, where he couldn’t screw up my reality any more, thank you very much.

“Out,” I said.

“That was the end of your sentence? ‘This is . . . out’?”

The students acted like his sitcom laugh track, and I already wanted to give them all detentions for being traitors.

I turned, annoyed, and gestured to my students. “This is English Four Honors.” I looked back at Richard. “Out.”

Anyone But Rich

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Anyone But Cade

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Anyone But Nick

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 29 August 2019  Posted by  Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
Feb 052019
 

Her Secret by Penelope Bloom

I’ll admit it. I messed up.
Mistake #1: Asking Peter Barnidge for a job.
Mistake #2: Accepting his offer instead of throwing it in his face like I planned.
Mistake #3: In the interest of stopping before #99, I’ll pretend the only other mistake was withholding one, tiny little nugget of truth during my interview. 

Peter Barnidge… Where do I even start? How about that after my first day working for Mr. Superstar International Bestselling Author, his name became my favorite kid-friendly cursing substitute. Stub a toe? Peter Barnidge it! Bank account is overdrawn? Son of a Barnidge! And when I realized I was falling for my boss? Well, what the Barnidge?

I wish it was easier to just plain hate him, instead of the twisted, confusing blend of hatred and attraction I feel. But he’s the bad kind of attractive. Dark with a side of smoldering heat. The kind of hot that makes me want to do that Catholic cross thing every time I look at him, because one glance takes my brain straight to a world of sin.

Speaking of sin… I also lied a little during my interview. But I’m a single mom and I’d do anything to provide for my daughter, even if it meant keeping one tiny little secret. Unfortunately, even small secrets have a way of growing over time.

I think it’s only a matter of time before he finds out, and somehow, I don’t think he’s going to be happy when he does.

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 5 February 2019  Posted by  Tagged with: ,  No Responses »
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