To My Immature Ex Boyfriend (The Inappropriate Bachelors Book 5) by J. S. Cooper
To My Immature Ex Boyfriend,
There are so many things that I want to say to you, but because I’m a lady, I will keep my “big mouth” closed. I received your email the other day and you’ve got to be joking if you think I have any interest in meeting up with you during your visit to San Francisco. I would rather take a long walk off a short cliff into an ocean of sharks. Also the fact that you wouldn’t mind seeing my bedroom for “old times sake” makes me laugh. I don’t want to be rude, but those memories aren’t ones I wish to repeat. I have better uses for five minutes of my time. You can keep the poems I wrote you, my cheerleaders outfit, and the promise ring that you gave me. The only promise I want from you is the one that says I will never hear from your obnoxious, arrogant, weirdly shaped head again.
P.S. No, we’re never going to repeat the night you won the Homecoming Football game. Whoopdeedoo! I have a secret to tell you. I never cared about football then and I still don’t.
To My Mouthy Ex Girlfriend,
Birdie, I’m guessing that you still have repressed feelings for my big head. I don’t blame you. If I’d gotten to be with a hunk like me, I wouldn’t have gotten over it, either. I’ll be in San Francisco for a week. I think you can fit me in for three hours and twenty minutes. That was our record remember? Please don’t go into the ocean with any sharks. I’d hate to have to rescue you in the water again…oh wait…that was just an excuse to show off in a wet t-shirt before, wasn’t it? I’m looking forward to seeing you and maybe I’ll treat you to a forty-niners game. You know I can get VIP tickets to any game. We both know you’ll be there. I’d hate to have to let your momma in on some of your secrets.
Your sexy ex,
Hunter Augustus Beauregard III
P.S. There are many things I’d love to repeat. I’ll call you tomorrow to tell you the first one. 🙂
Excerpt To My Immature Ex Boyfriend by J. S. Cooper
“Birdie, darling, I’m so happy to hear your voice. Mawmaw wants to know if you’ll be home for her anniversary?” My mother’s deceptively sweet voice told me everything I needed to know. If I wasn’t back home in Bluffton, South Carolina by March 23rd I was going to be disowned.
“You can tell Mawmaw that it depends on my boss. If he can let—.”
“Birdie, I don’t need to tell you that family always comes first for a Vanderbilt.”
“Don’t you roll your eyes at me, young lady.”
“I’m not rolling my eyes.” I lied. How could she tell my facial expressions, even over the phone? My mom was a psychic witch. Not that I’d ever tell her that, even as a joke. She’d have my head off. She was already pissed that I’d moved to California after college. She and the rest of my family considered California to be the devil’s State, where nothing good could ever happen. She was waiting for it to break off from the continent and sink into the ocean. “It just depends on work. You know how much my job means to me mom.” And how well, I think I can deal with my entire family for an extended period of time.
“Well, bless your heart, Birdie. I expect you’ll figure something out.”
“Yes, mom.” I sighed. Every good Southern girl knew what it meant when your momma said bless your heart. “I have to get going now though. I’m actually getting ready for work right now.”
“Before you go, Birdie. I have a favor to ask you.”
“I spoke to Abilene two days ago and —.”
“Nope mom, whatever it is, nope.”
“Birdie Vanderbilt.” There it was again. That disapproving tone. The phone was silent for a few moments before she continued in her sugary sweet tone. “I spoke to Abilene Beauregard and she said that Hunter Augustus was going to be flying to San Fran next week.”
“Ok and?” I didn’t care how cold my voice sounded. I wanted nothing to do with the Beauregards ever again. Especially Hunter. I could still picture his smug face. And I still wanted to smack the dopey grin that always seemed to grace his face into the next galaxy.
“Well, she was hoping that you could show Hunter—.”
“Never going to happen mother, not in a million years.”
“Well, Birdie Virginia Vanderbilt, that was not how we raised you.”
“I guess it’s the California that’s rubbed off on me. I don’t take the stuff that comes out of horses as manure anymore.” I said dryly and she gasped. I was going to pay for saying to shit to my mother. I knew that my father would be calling to tell me off within twenty-four hours.
“Birdie, can you not show him the sights. You know Abilene is one of my best friends.”
“Mom, Hunter is my ex-boyfriend. I do not want to see him. He broke my heart. He’s an asshole. I don’t care if it’s what you or Abilene want, it’s not going to happen and I have to go now. Love you mamma, and we’ll talk later.” I hung up quickly before she could respond. This was just the perfect start to an absolutely perfect day. I’d already woken up feeling bad for myself and my talk with my mother had made me feel worse.
It’s official. I am a loser. Every single one of my friends now has a boyfriend. And who do I have? I have no one, absolutely no one. I, Birdie Vanderbilt, am going to be single for the rest of my life. I just knew it. At 23 years old, I was done for. It was just like my ex-boyfriend, Hunter Augustus Beauregard said when we broke up, “You’re trouble, Birdie. You’re trouble and you’re drama, and you’re never going to have anyone.”
Hmm. I hated thinking about Hunter Augustus Beauregard. He was my sworn enemy and if I ever saw him again, I’d slash his tires, or maybe even key his car. Who was I kidding? I’d slash his tires, key his car and bust out all of his windows. And that was exactly the reason why I shouldn’t go back to South Carolina, anytime soon. I knew that if I even went close to Hunter’s ostentatious Audi his daddy would be in touch with the town mayor and the sheriff of our fine small town, and I’d be in jail. Oh, and I just knew that Hunter would stand outside the cell pointing and laughing at me. Because he was the most immature asshole I knew.
But I wasn’t going to think about him, not anymore. That’s why I’d moved to San Francisco and started a new life. I was a new person. I, Birdie Vanderbilt, was going to take on the world. I was going to change the world. I was going to do something really cool and show everyone back in South Carolina that I was more than just a ditzy cheerleader that had fallen for the high school quarterback and lusted over him for years. I was more than the girl that had followed him to college and had my heart broken after two years of dating. I was well and truly over Hunter. I just didn’t want him anymore.
I knew that I needed to stop thinking about the past. The past was the past, and that was done and over with. Just like our relationship. I needed to focus on the here and now. Just because my best friends, Magnolia, Jane, Millie and Olivia all had boyfriends now, it didn’t mean that I was going to be alone. These were my friends. These were my coworkers. And I knew that if I needed them, they would be there for me.
I also knew that they would help me find a man, if I wanted them to. Though this time, I was looking for the best man in the world. Well, maybe not in the world. The best man in San Francisco, at least. That’s all I needed. And even if he wasn’t the best man, maybe he could be the second best man, or the third best man. All he needed to be was better than Hunter Augustus Beauregard.
I walked to the mirror in the bathroom and looked at my reflection to see if there was something dreadfully wrong with me. I stared at myself and smiled. I wasn’t the most beautiful girl in the world, but I was pretty, with my long blonde hair and big blue eyes. I was the all American girl. At least that’s what my parents always told me. Yeah, I could stand to lose 25 pounds, if I wanted to be a catwalk model, but I was curvy in all the right places. That’s what I put in all my dating ads. I wish I was one of those petite waifs with flat stomachs and perfect breasts, but I wasn’t. I was a curvy girl, and men, real men, liked girls with curves. Right?
I sighed as I looked at my stomach. There was definitely more to love there than I would like, but I loved to eat and I hated to work out, so I didn’t think that those extra pounds were going to be going anywhere anytime soon. But that was okay. I was proud of my body. At least I was now. I was so proud of my curves and overall sexiness that if I were to see Hunter Augustus Beauregard right now, I’d do a little striptease to show him exactly what he was missing. Not that I ever wanted to see him again. If I could die without seeing, hearing or thinking about him, I’d die a very happy woman. I’d wasted enough of my life on him and I wasn’t going to waste a minute more.
“You’re an idiot, Hunter.” My youngest sister, Nellie lectured me as she walked into my kitchen.
“I know you’re not calling me an idiot as you start to raid my fridge.” I shook my head as I continued eating my cheerios. “Do you or do you not want to stay with me while you figure out what you want to do next with your life.”
“You’d never kick me out.” She laughed as she pulled some eggs and cheese out of the fridge. “I have too much dirt on you.”
“You have no dirt on me.” I rolled my eyes.
“I know why Birdie dumped your ass.” She grinned at me as she placed a pan on the stovetop.
“That was a mutual breakup.” I lied.
“Yeah, right.” She shook her head. “Liar.”
“What are you making? Scrambled eggs or an omelet?”
“Because I want some.”
“I’m not your maid, Hunter.”
“You can say that again. My entire house is a mess.”
“Your entire house is a mess because you have your football buddies over every night drinking.” She rolled her eyes as she walked back to the fridge and grabbed more eggs. “You’re not in college anymore. You need to get a life. Your glory days are done.”
“I’m twenty-three and my glory days are not done.” I glared at her. “Make some toast as well. I’m suddenly very hungry.” I laughed as she sighed and stomped her feet back over to the fridge. “Also, I noticed you flirting with half of my football buddies last night, so you’re really not one to talk.”
“I wouldn’t date them though. Flirting is just that, flirting. Notice none of them were in my bed at the end of the night.” She grabbed the bread and put two slices in a toaster. “Anyway, you’re still an idiot.”
“You mean in my bed…I own all the beds in this house and if I ever caught one of my buddies in your bedroom, you’d be back with mom and dad so fast.” I gave her my most handsome grin and continued. “So why am I an idiot, Nellie?” I groaned as she gave me her pointed superior look. Nellie was like a younger, more annoying version of my mother, only she had no filter or etiquette. She said whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted.
“Because you’re living the life mom and dad want you to live, instead of actually going out there and living your dreams.”
“How am I living the life mom and dad want?” I growled, a little too defensively at my too-seeing sister.
“You’re working for dad at the bank, which we both know you never wanted to do.”
“It’s called Beauregard bank. Our family has run it for years. It was always expected for me to work there, you know that Nellie.”
“I know you wanted more, even if you don’t.” She shrugged. “Oh well, at least Birdie got out.”
“What does that mean?” I snapped at the mention of my ex-girlfriend.
“She got out of Clifton. She got out of South Carolina.” Nellie shrugged. “She’s living my dream.”
“Birdie broke her parent’s heart by leaving town. You don’t want to do that to mom and dad.”
“Well, she wouldn’t have broken their hearts if you hadn’t broken hers.”
“She dumped me, remember?”
“Yeah, but we both know why, big bro.” She shook her head. “I was a freshman, remember. Everyone was talking about it for months.”
“Stop exaggerating, Nellie.” I got up and walked to the French doors at the back of the kitchen and looked out to the backyard. “Noone was talking about anything.” I could feel my heart racing as I looked towards the two birdhouses I had close to a tree on the far right. I ignored the way my heart sunk as I stared at the rose bush to the right of the tree. Birdie had loved roses. But then again, Birdie had been a girls girl and much more drama than she was worth.